13th Sep 2018 You Drive We Sell

First I wanted to write “Few things can spoil a gorgeous model as much as an ugly rear.”  I’d be wrong. Many more things can. Whatever. An ugly butt is just ugly. And unnecassary.

It’s a tale as old as the motoring industry itself: Designers spend eons on conceptualising, drafting, drawing, modelling and testing every square inch of new motorcars. I mean, lots and lots of blood, sweat and bum-numbing effort (not to mention millions of dollars) go into every new car. They seemingly mostly start on the front end of the car and then, alarmingly, it seems that some designers run out of time, money or sheer willpower to complete the thing when they get to the bottom end…

Just think of some of the ugliest tail-light, boot lid, rear bumper combinations we’ve been haunted with over the last few decades: Fiat Multipla, Chrysler PT Cruiser, Jeep Compass, Huyndai Tiburon, Subaru B9 Tribeca and anything ever from SsangYong. This list could get rather long.

Anyway, back to 2018 and here, in descending order, is our official, autocratically elected top bottom 8 of ugly arses:


8. Suzuki Ignis

Very popular, high-value & affordable, available in funky two-tone pearlescent brightwork and cute as a button from any angle. Except from behind. Looks like the love child of a Japanese accountant and a Himalayan mountain goatherd. Which it pretty well might be. Nee sies man.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

7. BMW i3

Huh? Can’t decide what this is. An obese version of Wall-E’s girlfriend Eve?  A plump white car squeezed into two-numbers-too-small free range, organic yoga pants? If this is what awaits us at the end of the internal combustion era, please shoot me now. Please.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

6. Toyota Prius

Another nasty black skid-mark against the electric march. I think somewhere in the vast halls of Toyota’s design studio, the blueprints of the new Prius got mixed up with those of a new skip-loader truck and a toy boomerang. How it got past the powers that be beats me. Maybe through the back door?

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

5. Nissan Almera

Maybe some cars, destined as rental fleet fodder, are designed to be so dull that no-one ever would bother doing a sideways Sarel van der Merwe on a lonely dirt road in the Northern Cape with it. I can’t think of any other reason why, with all the build and design technology available, a design should be so slapgat.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

4. Toyota CH-R

What I think happened here was that the designer’s brief included a request to “use 4 curves and a maximum of 1200 angles in this concept.” By the time he/she got to the C-pillar, they had 3 of the curves and 1162 of the angles left in the kitty. And used the lot on the rear.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

3. Mercedes X-Class

To think that one of the world’s premier luxury automakers would build a bakkie seemed unfathomable just a few years ago. To see them completely ruin the thing with those squinty, too-small, Chinese knock-off lookalike tail light clusters is worse, considering it has the fabled 3 pointed star and a million bucks sticker price attached.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

2. Volvo S90

They say you can bounce a R5 coin off a tight butt. Someone threw a full SPCA collection tin at the rear of this Volvo and it swallowed it whole.  There is no denying that Volvo is pushing out some glorious metal these days.  Which makes the Tetris block tail light abomination on this car so shamefully out of place.

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

1. Land Rover Discovery

The Design Director for Land Rover, Gerry McGovern won the prestigious Designer of the Year Award at the 33rd Festival Automobile International of Paris earlier this year. For the Range Rover Velar masterpiece. In his rush to get to the ceremony on time, Gerry bumped the desk on which the final design of the Discovery was laid out. And so, by accident, thousands upon thousands of off-centre, lop-sided buttocks Discoveries were unleashed on the world, limping along like a rhino with a tranquiliser dart in the left butt cheek and annoying everyone driving behind one. Gerry of course, were not available for commentary when the news leaked, but his spokesperson Sylvester Balboa said “Ge-erry-y-y-y!”

Rather sell yours to us. Right now

If you bought one of these unfortunate cars, we see and recognise the tears running down your cheeks. Luckily, bottom-beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Come-on, Kanye married Kim for goodness sake. Sell your car to us. We’ll find her a loving new home. Promise. 😉

Image credits: United Artists, Lowvelder, Motor Trends, IOL, Toyota, Nissan SA, Carmag