8th Jun 2018 You Drive We Sell

There are hundreds of different cars to choose from today and it made us think. We do that sometimes. Mostly on Fridays. After lunch. Anyway, it made us think: if there are so many different types of cars, how many types of car buyers are out there?

So we duly instructed our in-house team of psychologists and consumer behaviourists to do an in-depth research project on this conundrum. After 17 minutes of really-hard-researchy activities they had the answer!

Three. There are 3 main types of car buyers. And we love them all.

1. The White Appliance Purchaser

This subculture of car owners comes in a fairly wide variety, but they have a few important things in common. The most obvious common denominator in Type One car owners are that they approach car buying the same as most people do buying a washing machine – it must be white or silver, it needs a brand and model name that has been around for as long as they can remember, it must fit all their dirty clothes (/children/suitcases/whatever) and it shouldn’t have to many knobs. Type One car owners are the sole reason that the Toyota Corolla still exists. They don’t care that it has the sex appeal of a 1990’s Centurion facebrick townhouse or that most accidents involving Corollas was because the other driver crashed into them because of sheer boredom. They buy it because it gets the job done, and it got the job done for their fathers and their fathers before them.

If cars cease to exist tomorrow, Type One car owners will not actually notice until a wheel falls off and they try to replace it. Then they’ll shrug and buy a donkey or a Gautrain ticket.

2. The Enthusiast

Type Two car owners exist in a much wider variety, from general petrol-heads, through overland expeditioners to armchair Formula One competitors. They have the following things in common: They read every single motoring publication they can lay their hands on, they know more than any car salesman EVER has about the car(s) they like and they actually utilise their cars exactly for its intended use. Enthusiasts look after their cars better than any other car owner subculture and they are the reason why cars like Land Rover Defenders / Toyota Land Cruisers, Subaru WRX, anything with an engine larger than a 4 cylinder, any Alfa Romeo ever made and most sports cars are still made.

If cars cease to exist tomorrow, Type Two car owners will riot, rally, mourn and probably all end up dead in a terrible suicide pact.

Sell yours now.

3. The Poser

Type Three car owners make car manufacturers very happy. They buy the shiniest, newest and coolest new cars they can afford as often as possible. They come in all shapes and sizes but with one thing in common: their cars are penis extensions (or breast augmentations in the case of female posers). Type Three car owners throw down their car keys logo-side up so friends, family and the strangers at the next table in the coffee shop can see it. Type Three car owners often have their car or a selfie of them (on a good hair day) with their car as a Facebook profile pic. Because they are so opinionated (with little factual basis for their opinions) about cars, their friends avoid conversations about cars entirely in fear of smashing them in the face with their iPhones.

If cars cease to exist tomorrow, Type Three car owners will scramble and trample each other to find a replacement ego-and-status-booster thingemebob.

Sell yours now.

Wherever (and to whatever extent) you find yourself in this stereotyping nonsense above, we don’t care and we’d really love to buy your car.

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